New Study Reveals source of escalating health costs

Posted: October 18, 2010 by TheWild Webster in Dystopian Fiction, Mock News, Political Fiction
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Annover – In an attempt to isolate sources of escalating health care costs, researchers at the New Anglia Technical Institute have recently concluded a 6 year study relating to causes of deaths, accidents and other sources of bodily harm and injury and concluded that a single factor appears to occur in over 78% of all harmful occurrences.  After collecting data from over 200 sources involving some 2300 separate incidents, a group of specialists have determined that a leading factor in injury related events involves some kind of human action intervening prior to such an outcome.

“Unquestionably, more than 3 out of 4 of the situations we examined involved some kind of action on the part of the victim,” says the head researcher Walter Ames.  “Inevitably we discovered that nearly all of the victims of some kind of bodily harm resulting in injury and death — and even with many illnesses — required some kind of voluntary physical precursor to take place.  In some instances, the harmful effects resulted from the actions of a nearby individual, but the observations were still consistent with our conclusions.”

Action predicates results

Action predicates results

Ames speculated further that they are suspicious that the remaining 22% of cases may well have resulted from some other form of action outside of the scope of their investigation.  “We believe we can safely assume that number to be well in excess of 86%, possibly even higher.”

These findings have led some lawmakers to suggest possible regulatory controls to help secure citizens from harm.  James Langeman, the president’s Assistant Secretary for Public Preparedness said earlier this week, “We obviously can’t address this issue wholesale overnight, but we are prepared to introduce measures to confront the more dangerous actions by prohibiting their free exercise in the name of public safety and reducing health care costs.”  He later outlined further measures that they would pursue in the future.  “At some point our goal would be to limit or otherwise prohibit behaviors resulting in any actions as much as possible to help insure a harm free society.”

In a related study, Carnesbrook Technological Seminary psychologists recently concluded a 2 year study of shut-ins and recluses and found their level of harmful incidents correlated with their reduced activity levels, re-affirming the findings of the Anglia scientists.

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  1. lol I just noticed that ‘Walter Ames’ is the same name I used in a previous mock-news. I wonder if I knew a Walter Ames at some point and now my sub-conscious is getting even!

  2. K Johansen says:

    Hehe. I am sure my fellow practitioners won’t believe this without doing a crosscheck – or read the whole story.
    Good 1.

  3. Falsa idea di utilità è quella, che sacrifica mille vantaggi reali, per un inconveniente o immaginario, o di poca conseguenza, che toglierebbe agli uomini il fuoco perchè incendia, e l’acqua perchè annega; che non ripara ai mali, che col distruggere. Le leggi, che proibiscono di portar le armi, sono leggi di tal natura; esse non disarmano che i non inclinati, nè determinati ai delitti, mentre coloro che hanno il coraggio di poter violare le leggi più sacre della umanità è le più importanti del codice, come rispetteranno le minori, e le puramente arbitrarie? Queste peggiorano la condizione degli assaliti migliorando quella degli assalitori, non iscemano gli omicidi, ma gli accrescono, perchè è maggiore la confidenza nell’assalire i disarmati, che gli armati. Queste si chiaman leggi, non preventrici, ma paurose dei delitti, che nascono dalla tumultuosa impressione di alcuni fatti particolari, non dalla ragionata meditazione degl’inconvenienti, ed avvantaggi di un decreto universale.

    Dei delitti e delle pene – by Cesare Bonesana, Marchese Beccaria, 1738-1794

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