Bored to all Heaven

Posted: February 20, 2011 by TheWild Webster in Based on a true story, Fiction, Parables

God is bored up in heaven after many many eternities passing. He’s bored because he knows everything, sees everything, can do everything, knows how everything even he does is going to turn out – major boring!

So one day he decides to makes another version of himself so he can have someone to talk with.  He even goes so far as convincing himself to pretend it’s not himself so he doesn’t think he’s gone completely nuts.

Eventually (after a few more eternities pass) God finds that even with another version of himself around to talk to, that they always seem to agree on everything, both always know what the other is going to say anyway, and generally don’t really have a lot to talk about that the other hasn’t heard already.

Noticing the ‘other God’ is upset, the second God asks what’s wrong.

God1: “I’m just bored again!”
God2: “Oh!”

After playing over 368,494,372,289,597 games of chess his other-self gets an idea and creates a universe and puts these little man things in it and starts to fuck with them just for something to do.

God2: “hey, look at this. I put them in this garden and I put this tree in there and told them it was ‘very bad’ to eat from it. But I didn’t give them the knowledge of good and bad. I put that into the fruit! And now I’m gonna go down there and pretend to be a snake to get them to eat the fruit so I can boot them out!”
God1: “Why in the hell did you do that? That’s just twisted! And what in the fuck is a snake?”
God2: “Why? Because it’s boring as shit up here and it was something to do! And what the hell do you mean by ‘what is a snake?’ You made it remember? I’m you! And you know everything!”
God1: “Oh crap, you’re right – er, I’m right. This is so confusing! Why do I ask such stupid questions sometimes? So why a snake?”
God2: “Well nobody likes snakes, and I’m going to need something to demonize later anyway.”
God1: “OK, this is going to sound like another stupid question, but how do you know nobody likes snakes if you – er – I just made it?”
God2: “I’m God! If I say nobody likes snakes, then nobody likes snakes!”

The next thing you know, the poor little human creatures are out on their own to fend for themselves.  After eating the fruit they get all the knowledge that before eluded them including shame and lust, jealousy and vengeance.  But God(s) is still bored.

God1: “Now what the hell are you up to?”
God2: “Hell?  You keep saying that – I like it.  I might have to do something with that soon.  As far as what I’m up to, these little human things are starting to breed like rabbits.  So now I am going to play some tricks with their offspring.”
God1: “How’s that?”
God2: “Well you see, this one son here has brought me some of the plants from his crops.  The other brought me one of his livestock.  I’m going to really rant and rave over how much I like the one gift and tell the other one to piss off.”
God1: “Won’t that make the other one kinda mad?  Ya know, now that you got their mom to eat the magic fruit and all?”

A few moments pass.

God2: “HOLY CRAP!  The one kid just killed the other kid!  Wow!  I never saw that one coming.  Oh wait, I’m God, I know everything.  I guess I did kinda see that one coming.  Oh well, I guess I better get to work on that Hell thing.  I’m gonna need something to do with this other kid now.”
God1: *just shakes head*  — “Hey, where did all these other humans come from by the way?  I thought you just had the two there in the garden and now suddenly they’re hanging out with lots of other humans and where did the kids find their wives anyway?”
God2: “Shhhhhhh!  I’m requiring them to pass all these stories down, and that one is gonna really fuck with some of their better scholars way down the road!”

Many years pass and the humans continued to breed like rabbits, and began to spread across the surface of the little meteor known now as earth.

God2: “Hey watch this one.  You think the whole fruit and all that other stuff was twisted?  I’m gonna go to this guy down here and tell him that if he loves me he has to kill his own kid.”
God1: “That’s just wrong!”
God2: “Hey, we’re God!  We decide what’s wrong and what isn’t.  Besides, I’m just doing it to see if he’s stupid enough to actually follow through and at the very last second I’m going to go ‘PSYCH!!!’

Many more years pass and God continues to screw around at the poor human’s expense for his own amusement.  But eventually the humans are starting to get out of hand.  He even tries wiping out large portions of them in almighty fits of fire and brimstone, leveling entire towns and populations, flooding the entire place, getting some of them swallowed by fish, but the humans continue to act out in all sorts of strange ways.

God1: “What’s with this guy down here?”
God2: “He calls himself Moses.  I made sure he got kicked out of respectable society after his mom basically abandoned him.  Get this, she just stuffs the poor schmuck in this basket and sets him adrift down the river.  Well, I saw to it that some of the aristocracy picked him up but then made sure he gets all these principles and shit and the next thing you know, he gets himself booted out.  I told him he has to wander around through the desert now until I decide he’s had enough.”
God1: “Oh for our sake.  Give the poor guy a break!”
God2: “Oh I will I will.  I’m gonna make some really weird crap happen to those pharoah guys and tell Moses about it before it happens.  Everyone will think he has a direct line to us.”
God1: “If you’re telling him all this stuff in advance, doesn’t he kinda have a direct line to us?”
God2: “Now you’re getting it!!!”
God1: “But … uh, why do all this then?”
God2:” Oh, he was bound to become yet another one of those crazy old hermits that hangs out on street corners yelling that the sky is falling and the end is near.  I was just curious to see what would happen if one of them actually was right for a change.”

So God(s) set down all sorts of plagues on Egypt and gives Moses a heads up so he can act all godly and shit in front of the pharoahs.

God1: “Ok ok, I’ve seen enough of this.  All those people down there are treated like crap and you’re getting far too much twisted amusement out of messing with the guys doing it.  I’m going step in here and make sure that this pharoah guy sets them all free and I’m going to let this Moses guy you you’ve been screwing with get all the credit.”
God2: “Party pooper.  OK, tell you what.  You can do that, but if you do, they have to go wander around the desert for years too.”
God1:  “Huh??  Why????”
God2: “It’s what we do!”

So God(s) finish the plagues and part the seas and the people are freed by Moses and follow him off into the wilderness to wander the desert for years.

God1: “Hey, check this out.  That moses guy you were messing with?  He got his people to settle down here in this valley, so I set up an intercom up on the mountain in a burning bush where I’ve been giving him words of encouragement to guide his people.”
God2: “What kinds of things have you been telling him?”
God1: “Oh just basic stuff on how to run his society.  Do you want to help?”
God2: “Oh do I!  I have some great ideas for rules that will completely screw with their head.  How’s about this one – if you bring me meat for sacrifice, throw a little salt on it.  And no more raw grains, I want it ground to flour first.  And oh oh oh oh!  I got a doozey!  Don’t let your cows hang out with other types of cows and don’t plant different crops in the same field!”  *starts to laugh at himself*
God1: “OK, fine but I’m going to do the top-10 ok?”
God2: “OH alright you lame-o.  Er, me lame-o, I keep forgetting we are the same guy.  But just confuse the crap out of them by using lots of ‘Thou shall nots’ and doinked up words like ‘covet’ and stuff like that.  Hey, what you going to use for the first one?”
God1: “Well they seem to keep erecting these statues of cows and other stuff instead of paying attention to what I’m telling Moses.  So I think I’m going to tell them to only obey what I say.”
God2:  “Oh you’re talking to all of them now?”
God1: “No, I told you, I’m talking to Moses.”
God2:  “Well how do you know Moses isn’t going to fuck it all up while he’s walking down from the mountain.  When I found him he was wandering the desert bound to be one of those crazy street corner guys remember?  And we had the whole lot of them wandering the desert for years.  He’s getting a tad senile now.”
God1: “OK, fine, I’ll cut the words into a rock so Moses can’t possibly screw them up.”
God2: “And what if the people don’t believe Moses and would rather keep throwing things at these cow statues?”
God1: “Did you ever finish that Hell thing you were working on?”
God2: “Ooooo, I like how you – er I – think.”

So many more years pass and the people continue to breed like rabbits and act up and worship cows and follow the rules given to moses and tell stories.

God2:  “What are you doing now?”
God1: “Well for some time I’ve been whispering in the ears of folks to create a buzz to let them know that if they continue to screw up all the rules I gave them that I was gonna come back down there.”
God2: “Yeah and?”
God1: “Well I’m gonna go back down there.”
God2: “But we’re ‘God’, we can’t just ‘go down there’ – we wouldn’t fit!”
God1: “I’m gonna create another version of me.”
God2:  “Another one?????”
God1: “Just a human one, but he’s gonna be able to do God-like shit, ya know?  To get their attention so they will listen to him – er me – er us.”
God2: “Listen to him about what?”
God1: “Well we gave them all these strict rules and as usual, your little guys screwed it all up.  They’ve been killing each other left and right over various interpretations of the rules or because they are worshiping cows or not worshiping cows, worshiping us or not worshiping us.  It’s all got out of hand.  I’m gonna go down there as one of them and tell them it’s all cool as long as they love one another.”
God2: “OH I gotta see this!”

So God went down there as one of them to spread a message of peace, love and unity.

God2: “How’s that whole peace, love and unity thing working out for you?”
God1: “They nailed me to a stick.”
God1: “Oh shut up!”
God1: “I said shut up!”
God2: *rolling around on the floor* “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA   …. Ha” – *catching his breath*  “Oh, that is too good.   –   hey, by the way, I meant to ask you… how’d you get down there anyway?”
God1: “I had a woman give birth to me.”
God2:  “What?!??”
God1: “I found a really sweet virgin from a good family and I impregnated her.”
God2: “A virgin?!?!  And you knocked her up????  Oh the Catholics are gonna have a field day with that!!!  You think that cow worship was a problem??  You just wait till you see what they do with her!”
God1: “What’s a catholic?”
God2: “Just an idea I have, you’ll see!  And just how did that whole ‘peace, love’ message thing work out for you by the way?  Have they stopped killing each other yet?”
God1: “Don’t ask!”

(to be continued ???)

  1. […] be sure to read my short humorous piece on the ObjectOpus explaining why God created the universe: Bored to All Heaven […]

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