Lab Cited in Dependency Study

Posted: April 7, 2011 by TheWild Webster in Fiction, Mock News, Political Fiction
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Walkerville – Animal control officials cited the Hamilton County Community College psychology animal research laboratory earlier this week on 6 different counts of animal cruelty after the gruesome discovery of a number of starved lab animals.

An un-named source from the school told Breakline Sourcewire that the animals involved mostly rats that were involved in a behavioral study on material dependency.

According to the source, the study entailed a typical scenario for behavioral analysis where the test subjects were rewarded for pressing a lever with a source of food.

However, unlike other ‘Skinner Box’ scenarios, the animals in this study were provided an alternative source of food that required them to ‘work’ through a number of obstacles including many manual devices that penalized them for seeking the secondary source that required effort to achieve.

The problems occurred when in an ironic twist, the state-funded school ran into budget shortfalls that led to a number of cut-backs including instructor salaries.  The resulting teacher union sponsored strikes led to the lab facilities being closed to classes and a decision was made to reduce power in the facility to further save money for the school.

“Apparently, while the secondary source of food was still available to the animals, the effort involved discouraged the animals from seeking it.  Meanwhile, the ‘push-button’ source was inoperative due to a lack of power to the facility,” reported one animal control officer.  “When we found the poor creatures, they had worn their forepaws to nubs pulling on the lever and had apparently begun cannibalizing one another in desperation before succumbing completely to the starvation conditions.”

An inability to reach a contract decision in a timely manner increased the duration of the creatures’ plights for 2 weeks before the odor was noticed by a janitor cleaning a restroom near the psychology lab.

The purpose of the study, ‘to observe dependent behavior in lower animals‘, likely attributed to the tragic outcome.  “Despite having another source of food readily available, the animals seemed to be more focused on what they thought was an ‘easy’ source rather than work to get the food they needed,” added one observer.

Charges are pending in county court and the preliminary hearing is scheduled for later this month.

  1. Rebecca Burt says:

    Uh… there are a hell of a lot of details missing here. What exactly was the second source of food — there isn’t one other than the level system built into a standard skinner box. Also, had the rats actually been trained to use the 2nd method, or maybe punished NOT to? Conditioning only works when it has been successfully trained, and if the animals were currently in an experiment, then they were at some point in this conditioning process… to assume the animals didn’t get the 2nd source simply because they couldn’t be bothered is very poor science without looking at all the variables (and listing them in your article). If you want to produce ‘objective’ articles you have to supply all the relevant information.

    • Look up ‘satire’ in your nearest wiki or dictionary please.
      (the category of ‘Mock News’ combined with the site description of ‘showcase of objectivist fiction’ should be a clue)

  2. Rebecca Burt says:

    Also, it is COMMON knowledge in ‘psychology of learning’ classes that a rat will quickly learn NOT to cross an electrified grid that causes pain — it will DIE of starvation before doing so because they are a prey animal which reacts naturally with a freeze response to fear. So if they penalized these rats they KNEW that the likelyhood of starvation was high. They SHOULD be punished for inhumane handling if this is the case and no-one refilled the standard hoppers.

  3. Yeah, I’m sure this is fake.

    But the comments are almost as hilarious as the article. This butthurt socialist attacking the fictional experiment because he thinks it’s real and he thinks it threatens his belief system.

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