Archive for the ‘Mock News’ Category

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In the wake of the recent revelation of the ‘Heartbleed’ OpenSSL bug, online security personnel have discovered yet another hack that threatens to reveal your computer secrets.

Computer experts are reporting a new ‘backdoor’ hack, discovered in part due to the Snowden leaks. Apparently this zero-day style exploit takes advantage of a weakness in the garbage collection routines of most common computer servers and computing devices. It essentially scoops up key portions of the files that are presumed to be already deleted by the system whenever these garbage collection routines go into action. It then picks through these recycled tidbits for useful chunks of information before sending them off the violated computer to the outside attacker, essentially taking advantage of the systems’ waste-removal mechanism.

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Fartbleed logo

The experts who discovered this exploit are calling it:
Fartbleed’

The assaulting trojan uses a new penetration method called an Externally Negotiated Erased Memory Assault. This ENEMA method is capable of flushing out large quantities of data previously presumed to already be dumped from the system’s internal storage. Computer attendants first caught wind of the possibility of something afoul after examining some of the papers Snowden left behind in an airport restroom before fleeing the country.

“After going through multiple system logs, we ended up stepping right into the problem,” said security expert William MacDougal. “It’s running through systems all over and leaving quite a mess behind.”

Some allegations have recently surfaced that suggest that the NSA has been aware of this method of intrusion and has been taking advantage of it for at least 18 months. One CERT team member commented that “it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that the NSA has been both aware of this bug and exploiting it,” saying “everyone knows by now that the government has been going through our shit for years!”

In response to media inquiries, an NSA spokesman did offer helpful advice today in a press briefing saying, “all computer users should just change their computer password to something on our ‘recommended safe list’. We have determined that these ‘safe’ passwords are the only ones immune to numerable cyber-penetration methods.” The NSA safe list include: love, password, jesus, qwerty and 123456 and for bank pins they recommend using either 0000 or 1234.

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Welfare linesDetroit – A new political action committee calling itself Voice for the Necessitous is working in combination with the Service Employees Internation Union (SEIU) and the American Federation of Government Employees (AFGE) with the help of the ACLU and MoveOver.org to try to form a new union serving the unemployed and welfare recipients across the US. Their initial press release quotes the organizations spokesman, Manuel Hermanez, former Department of Human Services vice chairman and recent  minority rights lobbyist in Washington as saying “We believe the unemployed and the indigent are seriously under-represented in the workforce and deserve to have a voice in corporate and national labor issues.”

The new union is also working with Hermanez and other lobbyists even before final ratification of the union charter to create the necessary exemptions in existing union protectorate laws to give the organization equal standing with other labor rights organizations and employee unions nationwide. Included in one such proposal, carried as a rider on a ways-and-means budget bill due to come up for a vote next month, includes provisions to allow the new union to have a direct say in both public and private hiring decisions as well as participate in negotiations prior to the drafting of new legislation concerning welfare, medicaid and medicare and unemployment compensation.

Larry Rivens, an unemployed landscape worker said, “I would love to have more of a say in just how much unemployment I get. Right now we just have to settle for whatever the government is payin’!” He also added, “In my business, we don’t work but 5 months out of the year. I need somethin’ to hold me over all winter long! I can’t mow grass through snowstorms!”

Some critics have pointed to another proposed piece of legislation, added as a line item to an appropriations bill in the house which seeks to take a direct cut of the members’ benefit payment checks from the government in order to serve as union dues. When asked about how he justified taking money from people said to be ‘in need’, Hermanez stated “It remains to be seen just how much will actually be requisitioned for negotiating fees and such, but such an organization can’t run without funding. I’m sure that anyone in a position of needing assistance will be more than happy to help fund the union when the union is looking out for their rights as disenfranchised workforce members.”

The proposed union has sparked words of outrage from taxpayer and business organizations alike as some business analysts suggests plans are already in the works to add a tax to either goods or corporate profits to further fund the  predictable increase in government costs that will result.

Larry Hopkins, a former shop steward at a company that used to make solar panels but that went bankrupt two years ago said, “The rights to collectively bargain have been a staple in this country for over 100 years. Now that I am unemployed and have not been working for more than two years, I am no longer eligible for union enrollment. My unemployment checks ran out 6 months ago, and I would love to see someone speak on my behalf in Washington to help get my checks rolling again!”

Group organizers hope to stage a “Million Indigent March” in conjunction with the Occupy Washington chapter. A similar event last month featured visits by Jesse Jackson who was quoted as saying “It’s about time our underemployed minorities received appropriate representation.” and Reverand Al Sharpton who stated that “Anyone opposed to unionizing the poor is obviously a racists bigot who wants to keep the underprivileged man down!”

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New York – As house and senate partisans continue to dispute a solution for the US debt limit crisis, President Obama seems to have other plans.

Obama speaks at UN

President Obama spoke at the United Nations headquarters in New York this week to a special combined summit of UN committee leaders.  The administration has been working with the assistance of Greece’s President Karalos Papoulias and Spanish Prime Minister José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero to back a new ‘International Reinvestment Resolution’. (IRR)

The special UN meeting included representatives from the International Fund for Agricultural Development, UN Industrial Development Organization and key members of the International Monetary Fund.  IRR is designed to encourage the World Bank and other international savings associations to help meet the needs of borrowers in all segments of the international community, including low- and moderate-risk nations.

At a press conference following the Obama appearance in NY, an administrative spokesperson seemed to suggest that the resolution ‘is just one alternative’ that the Whitehouse is exploring in the event that Moody’s follows through with any measures to lower the US triple-A credit status.

Of the resolution, one of the IMF representatives stated that it would reduce discriminatory credit practices against deficit-challenged nations, a practice known as international redlining.

Oh-Tuu Sports enhancer

June 2023 – Some devotees of many popular O2 sports booster products are reeling this week after it was revealed that many of the mass produced ‘performance boosting’ respiration products are little more than filtered city air.

Many such ‘performance’ air products have gained popularity among sporting and active lifestyle devotees, but unlike medical grade oxygen sources it seems that the consumer products are – and in many cases never have been – anything more sophisticated than double or triple filtered atmospheric gas.

Many makers of such products are racing to address the concerns such as Gato-Air and Mountain Blew, who both held press conferences this week to defend their product lines.

The hubub began when it was learned that a well-known brand of bottled air was actually created by the City of Akron’s public air purification facility and sold to help raise profits to fund local government.

“Strict EPA and OSHA standards already require us to maintain high grade Hepa and other allergen filters on all city buildings,” said a city spokesperson.  “It seemed only natural to market some of that purified air to take advantage of the growing craze for performance inhalation enhancers.”

The enhanced air market accounts for close to $200 million in sales nationwide and that is up over 20% from just two years ago.

Some consumers of the more popular brands of performance oxygen are calling upon the FDA to consider regulation of the industry.

“I just want to be sure that I’m not breathing some downtown exhaust when I lay my $4 down,” said one O2 user.

Walkerville – Animal control officials cited the Hamilton County Community College psychology animal research laboratory earlier this week on 6 different counts of animal cruelty after the gruesome discovery of a number of starved lab animals.

An un-named source from the school told Breakline Sourcewire that the animals involved mostly rats that were involved in a behavioral study on material dependency.

According to the source, the study entailed a typical scenario for behavioral analysis where the test subjects were rewarded for pressing a lever with a source of food.

However, unlike other ‘Skinner Box’ scenarios, the animals in this study were provided an alternative source of food that required them to ‘work’ through a number of obstacles including many manual devices that penalized them for seeking the secondary source that required effort to achieve.

The problems occurred when in an ironic twist, the state-funded school ran into budget shortfalls that led to a number of cut-backs including instructor salaries.  The resulting teacher union sponsored strikes led to the lab facilities being closed to classes and a decision was made to reduce power in the facility to further save money for the school.

“Apparently, while the secondary source of food was still available to the animals, the effort involved discouraged the animals from seeking it.  Meanwhile, the ‘push-button’ source was inoperative due to a lack of power to the facility,” reported one animal control officer.  “When we found the poor creatures, they had worn their forepaws to nubs pulling on the lever and had apparently begun cannibalizing one another in desperation before succumbing completely to the starvation conditions.”

An inability to reach a contract decision in a timely manner increased the duration of the creatures’ plights for 2 weeks before the odor was noticed by a janitor cleaning a restroom near the psychology lab.

The purpose of the study, ‘to observe dependent behavior in lower animals‘, likely attributed to the tragic outcome.  “Despite having another source of food readily available, the animals seemed to be more focused on what they thought was an ‘easy’ source rather than work to get the food they needed,” added one observer.

Charges are pending in county court and the preliminary hearing is scheduled for later this month.