Posts Tagged ‘virus’

aperture-anim

In the wake of the recent revelation of the ‘Heartbleed’ OpenSSL bug, online security personnel have discovered yet another hack that threatens to reveal your computer secrets.

Computer experts are reporting a new ‘backdoor’ hack, discovered in part due to the Snowden leaks. Apparently this zero-day style exploit takes advantage of a weakness in the garbage collection routines of most common computer servers and computing devices. It essentially scoops up key portions of the files that are presumed to be already deleted by the system whenever these garbage collection routines go into action. It then picks through these recycled tidbits for useful chunks of information before sending them off the violated computer to the outside attacker, essentially taking advantage of the systems’ waste-removal mechanism.

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Fartbleed logo

The experts who discovered this exploit are calling it:
Fartbleed’

The assaulting trojan uses a new penetration method called an Externally Negotiated Erased Memory Assault. This ENEMA method is capable of flushing out large quantities of data previously presumed to already be dumped from the system’s internal storage. Computer attendants first caught wind of the possibility of something afoul after examining some of the papers Snowden left behind in an airport restroom before fleeing the country.

“After going through multiple system logs, we ended up stepping right into the problem,” said security expert William MacDougal. “It’s running through systems all over and leaving quite a mess behind.”

Some allegations have recently surfaced that suggest that the NSA has been aware of this method of intrusion and has been taking advantage of it for at least 18 months. One CERT team member commented that “it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that the NSA has been both aware of this bug and exploiting it,” saying “everyone knows by now that the government has been going through our shit for years!”

In response to media inquiries, an NSA spokesman did offer helpful advice today in a press briefing saying, “all computer users should just change their computer password to something on our ‘recommended safe list’. We have determined that these ‘safe’ passwords are the only ones immune to numerable cyber-penetration methods.” The NSA safe list include: love, password, jesus, qwerty and 123456 and for bank pins they recommend using either 0000 or 1234.

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Anaheim – A new software company aims to slow the spread of ‘urban legend’ spam emails with a new anti-ware offering.  ‘NopersWare’ announced their new line of software this afternoon at a press conference in Anaheim stating the offering will hit store shelves and popular internet download sites by mid April of next year.

The new software, marketed as anti-dumbass™ software seeks to compete with long standing debunking websites such as Snopes and TruthorFiction as a means for users to sort through true viral content and false urban myths and legends.

“We conceived of the company when looking at the market of anti-virus software.  We saw that market as highly saturated with competitors already,” said company CEO Walter Ames.  “If you consider what a virus is, it is something that exploits existing systems to reproduce and flourish.  In a manner of speaking, urban legends behave very much like a biological or computer virus, but with the dumbass being the carrier and retransmitter of the virus.  And the market was virtually untapped from a software perspective!”

Initial market surveys look hopeful and the company is already receiving considerable pre-order requests.  “The problem with existing methods such as the anti-debunking websites is that it requires an action on the part of the user.  But idiots would rather just hit the forward button than look up the facts,” says well known PC commentator and pundit Leroy Miller.  “A program like anti-dumbass™ is long overdue.  I see this as the next potential ‘killer app’.”

Dumbass on computer

Typical mail forwarding dumbass

The company claims that the new software will not only work like existing spyware, malware and anti-virus software in that it will contain ‘known’ signatures or patterns of pre-existing hoaxes, but will also included what they proudly refer to as their ABSAIT or Anti-Bull Shit Artificial Intelligence technology.

“The purpose of the ABSAIT is to simply look for  outrageous and ridiculous content to stop urban legends at their source before they begin.  The algorithm actually resulted from a Cal Tech psychology research project on political speech.”   Ames states that among the triggers the software looks for will include known lists of loaded or negatively connotated words or phrases, forms of common ad hominem sentence structures and certain types of outrageous claims typical to many known myths.  This will allow the software to create a BSS or bull-shit-scale rating from 1 to 10 for the user whenever an email containing potentially mythical or nonsensical content is received.

One controversial feature of this new program is what Nopers marketing dubs as ‘pro-active’ protection.  A feature which allows outgoing mail to also be filtered is included with the software and has met some complaints from the more savvy and skeptical computing community due to the fact Nopers developers considered it a crucial option to have enabled ‘out-of-the-box’.

“The more intelligent users of our software should have no problem finding and disabling the feature.  They may be complaining now, but I think when they see the reduction in their own spam in-boxes they will approve of our decision,” said Ames.

UPDATE:
The makers of anti-dumbassware have recently implemented a new algorithm to detect ‘Dubious and Unmitigated Hyperbole’ – the DUH! ™ algorithm is said to greatly improve the software’s overall performance.


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