New Computer Backdoor may be in your Recycle Bin

In the wake of the recent revelation of the ‘Heartbleed’ OpenSSL bug, online security personnel have discovered yet another hack that threatens to reveal your computer secrets.

Computer experts are reporting a new ‘backdoor’ hack, discovered in part due to the Snowden leaks. Apparently this zero-day style exploit takes advantage of a weakness in the garbage collection routines of most common computer servers and computing devices. It essentially scoops up key portions of the files that are presumed to be already deleted by the system whenever these garbage collection routines go into action. It then picks through these recycled tidbits for useful chunks of information before sending them off the violated computer to the outside attacker, essentially taking advantage of the systems’ waste-removal mechanism.

Fartbleed logo

The experts who discovered this exploit are calling it:
‘Fartbleed’

The assaulting trojan uses a new penetration method called an Externally Negotiated Erased Memory Assault. This ENEMA method is capable of flushing out large quantities of data previously presumed to already be dumped from the system’s internal storage. Computer attendants first caught wind of the possibility of something afoul after examining some of the papers Snowden left behind in an airport restroom before fleeing the country.

“After going through multiple system logs, we ended up stepping right into the problem,” said security expert William MacDougal. “It’s running through systems all over and leaving quite a mess behind.”

Some allegations have recently surfaced that suggest that the NSA has been aware of this method of intrusion and has been taking advantage of it for at least 18 months. One CERT team member commented that “it shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that the NSA has been both aware of this bug and exploiting it,” saying “everyone knows by now that the government has been going through our shit for years!”

In response to media inquiries, an NSA spokesman did offer helpful advice today in a press briefing saying, “all computer users should just change their computer password to something on our ‘recommended safe list’. We have determined that these ‘safe’ passwords are the only ones immune to numerable cyber-penetration methods.” The NSA safe list include: love, password, jesus, qwerty and 123456 and for bank pins they recommend using either 0000 or 1234.

The Changelist

Latitude® Change List history:

Description:

Latitude® is the Enterprise-Grade Project and Task Management Software System utilizing a task-based simple AI implementation for increasing system efficiency through Process-Interaction and Self-Evaluation (PISE™). Latitude® is a flexible and powerful system management solution empowering best practices for information technology services through “Task Enablement” using the PISE™ interactive algorithm. Latitude® task management software enables software tasks to be more organized, productive, and effective through intuitive automated tracking, prioritization, and self-evaluation to increase overall system efficiency and effectiveness by 75% to 200%.

Monautocracy® – pre-alpha early limited release v0.0.13
Task management methodology assigned through a central routing authority. Tasks are assigned priority and resources based on a pre-determined list of arbitrary constraints handled by the central routing mechanism. Individual tasks are given limited determination in regards to allocation of available system resources assigned to them via a stub loader activated by ‘envoy’ sub processes of the central routing authority. Rudimentary self-improvement algorithms are assigned to all system and task functions based on the centrally assigned priority and available resources.

Bug tracker ticket #193.
Summary: Regardless of the arbitrary constraints, the AI based decision making of the central authority seems to be mis-allocating system resources in favor of the efficiency of the central mechanism itself. The self-improvement mechanisms make this problem worse in that the ‘self-evaluation’ methodologies ultimately favor the central router which continues to assign itself more system resources in that it is inevitably self-designated as the ‘most important’ function in the system.  What ‘self-improvement’ was noticeable seemed to focus on improving the ability of the central authority to horde those resources rather than improve the overall system performance. Individual tasks are then assigned less and less system resources from the diminishing quantity that remains. As a result, the self-evaluation mechanisms of those individual tasks suffer as a consequence resulting in less individual task performance and virtually no individual task self-improvement.

Oligarcus® pre-alpha early limited release v0.1.03-c
Alterations were made in the task management scenario to instead assign task priorities from a pool of authoritative ‘delegate’ sub-routines, each with an individual arbitrary list of priorities and parameters in specific categories. No significant changes to the self-improvement algorithm was implemented at this time at the individual task level as this functionality was assumed to suffer primarily from inordinate distribution of system resources in the previous alpha release.

Bug tracker ticket #271.
Summary: Again, regardless of the arbitrary constraints assigned to each ‘delegate’, the AI based decision making is still skewing over time to favor the delegate processes. In some instances, even despite of the over-allocation to these components, the ‘competition’ between the delegate applications for these resources further lowers overall system performance through repeated inter-process challenges that one developer dubbed ‘filabusting’.  The self-improvement mechanisms again seem to lie primarily at the administrative level and again focus more on improving their ability to ‘horde’ resources to the benefit of the individual ‘delegate’ apps. This in turn degrades overall performance. And again, the end result for the individual tasks was not dissimilar to that of the prior alpha release.

Democra® alpha limited release v0.2.185
Problems with misallocation of resources in  pre-alpha releases is now being addressed by increased prioritization at the task level. Individual tasks now include an evaluation algorithm and each contribute individual input toward the ultimate assignment of overall system usage. The central mechanism is now serving solely in an administrative capacity to evaluate and apply the combined prioritization.
+ New Feature: the individual task evaluation algorithm will now be categorized under the name PISE™ for Process-Interaction & Self-Evaluation at the individual task level.

Bug tracker ticket #1393
Summary: When assigned limited scope tasks, the system seemed to perform reasonably well. But upon assigning more complex, multi-function task scenarios, the individual prioritization of system-wide task priority does not take into account enough parameters as to the importance of those tasks actually needing system resources for priority functions. The result is that even critical system functions are sacrificed to the collective ‘whims’ when the individual task evaluations are combined and evaluated.  Individual task self-improvement, nearly non-existent in prior releases, does show promise and shows considerable improvement in overall system function when not confronted with the aforementioned critical task allocation issues. But the elimination of vital tasks from resource allocation ultimately results in complete system failure when vital system processes are no longer able to execute.

Republi-Bureacra® beta release v 0.3.3-b
Delegate mechanisms re-introduced to handle a more defined prioritization of individual task evaluation results. Added functionality to the delegate prioritization methodologies to auto-generate task ‘agencies’ to manage the distribution of system resources based on final priority schemas implemented following a system wide task-evaluation data census. Inter-management guidelines are now set in place to allow delegate processes to self-monitor one another in addition to task population as a whole in order to assure that no one delegate processes consumes unreasonable quantities of system resources.

Bug tracker ticket #2743
Summary: Overall prioritization performance is greatly improved… initially. The self-improvement process is working excellently at both the individual task level and the delegation/task-management level. However, over subsequent generations of self-improvement, the delegate code evolution seems to be prioritizing the generation of more and larger agency stub applications to handle allocation and distribution of resources until eventually  almost all system resources are consumed by both the agencies and the individual tasks when trying to comply with the plethora of parameters and restrictions put in place by the various agency stubs.

Communas® v0.4 beta release patch v0.4.12-4
Delegate sub-routines now maintain tasks policies through a policing authority similar to the Democra® alpha release. Task evaluation on the individual level is again pooled, but the individual algorithms modified with prioritization schemes favoring an arbitrary list weighted to focus primarily upon improving overall system performance and maintaining the pre-determined task priorities. Delegate ‘policing’ was also modified and strengthened to maintain and enforce these pre-determined priority scenarios.

Bug tracker ticket #3288
Summary: Decreased performance witnessed from the start. Self-improvement mechanisms of individual processes seems to be directly effected (stalled) by the prioritization of  pre-ordained system-favored outcomes. While there was little or no individual task improvement, the delegate process self-improvement continues to favor maintaining the arbitrary list of rules. This ultimately produced a result not unlike those seen in the Oligarcus pre-alpha version. Overall, resources are seriously mis-allocated and despite trying various arbitrary priority scenarios, there always seems to be a severe shortage of system resources upon allocating them to the task population.

MonoCorp® beta evaluation release v0.5.13
The focus of task evaluation was again returned to the individual task level, but the means of rating other tasks’ priorities is now based on direct interaction between the individual processes themselves. (tasks that have no interaction with other tasks make no evaluations on these tasks) Tasks compete for and exchange system resources based on the value they provide to the system as a whole as evaluated through their interaction with other tasks within the system. System allocation of CPU usage is maintained through ‘CPU credits’ allocated based on total available resources.
+ New Feature: DeFedCit™ allocation  –  As part of the new CPU credit scenario, we have enabled the delegate level sub-routines to make predictions (called ‘Next Evaluation Supply’ or NES requirements) of future requirements as determined by pre-defined guidelines.  By focusing on Key-NES predictions, this should properly allocate system resources over time as well as in the immediate moment.  To help facilitate this, tasks with predictable future priorities may now exchange some of their allocated resources for the purpose of gaining increased priority in future allocations from the delegating authority process(es).
Tasks can now also solicit other peer and non-peer tasks with CPU credit surpluses based on their own evaluated priority and performance. These credits may then be requested later by the ‘loaning’ tasks if needed and the amount will be scaled appropriately based on the gross CPU balance of the task that solicited them comparative to gross CPU balance at the time of the initial exchange.

Bug tracker ticket #6374
Summary: Overall initial performance greatly improved. Cross evaluation of task importance is highly effective in that those tasks most vital to system performance gain the best evaluations from those peer tasks they assist and ultimately end up with the appropriate level of available resources. However, the ability of tasks to exchange resources on the delegate level for future favorable allocations seems to be backfiring.  Those tasks receiving the most system credits based on their peer-evaluated exchanges are ultimately able to purchase the most future-priority from their respective delegate regulators until they end up controlling entire sections of system task prioritization.  This mis-allocation can even spill over to effect other similar task categories. Ultimately a small handful of favorably peer-evaluated tasks end up controlling the vast majority of system CPU credit distribution through a process of ever-increasing delegate priority ‘grafting’. Furthermore, the ‘prediction’ scheme at the delegate level seems to generate an ever-increasing amount of ‘future credits’ by fiat. Over multiple cycles this ends up leaving lower-evaluated processes waiting in long queues even to gain access to those system resources they have sufficient CPU credits to utilize.

Mixedeco® v0.7.7 pre-release
The focus of task evaluation strategy so effective in the prior release was maintained at the individual task level through peer rating. The CPU credit system was strengthened but most of the interaction at the delegate process level was removed and allocation is now based entirely upon currently available resources ONLY. (individual processes are now required to making their own predictions on future required resources and are left to plan accordingly for their predicted needs) The ability to ‘pre-purchase’ favorable priority was removed and delegate processes altered to primarily regulate the exchange of CPU credits among the individual processes to assure fair distribution of resources based on pre-determined (regulatory) guidelines.
+ New Feature: Introduction of InnoVA™ to the self-improvement AI. InnoVA™, which was partially implemented in patch 0.6.483, allows individual tasks to recognize new system task requirements not necessarily directly related to their own existing task functions and not yet implemented within the system. Those newly spawned InnoVA™ tasks deemed favorable through peer evaluation can then be incorporated as a new system function running autonomous from the direct management of the task who’s AI initiated it. Occasionally, multiple InnoVA™ processes may be spawned to address identical system needs, but peer-evaluation should increase the evolution of the self-evaluation process so the most efficient methods gain priority over time.
+ Alteration: After considerable review we have removed the pre-allocation capability of the DeFedCit™ enhancement but have left the peer-to-peer allocation of CPU credit surpluses intact as it increased performance in the prior release by allowing for inter-process sharing of otherwise dormant resource allocation credits. Additional parameters have been added to the individual tasks’ AI equations to assist in the proper ‘individual negotiation of value’ (IN-V) of surplus CPU credits. This feature will be renamed to IN-Vest™ prior to the final market release.

Bug tracker ticket #11481
Submitted by beta-tester Jeff Thompson (jthom@*******.biz)
Great package! I think you guys almost have this licked. I was able to improve my system performance by 50-75%!!!  One suggestion though based on my own tinkering. After running the Mixedeco package through a few generations of self-improvement cycles I began to notice some tasks gaining increased priority. It wasn’t incredibly out of proportion, but it was enough to grab my attention. Upon further examination I realized that the vast majority of these processes were the results of the InnoVA task creation. There were a smattering of others also that, when combined with the InnoVA tasks gave me a theory.
The similarity between all of the increased priority tasks was that they were universally unaffected by the restrictions I pre-outlined within the arbitrary rules at the delegatory level. Based on this assumption I re-initialized the system with only the bare minimum of regulatory guidelines necessary to direct the prioritization and self-improvement methods toward the goals I desired. It took some tweaking, but after just a few cycles I am easily seeing 200-300% improvements compared to the initial 50-75%!!!
My suggestion to anyone using the management suite would be to keep your regulations to as few as possible!! The self-improvement and self-evaluation schemes seem to be far more capable of generating desirable results with less inhibitors in place. Keep up the good work!

Latitude® v1.01 final release
Based on beta-tester recommendations, the regulatory layer’s impact was greatly reduced for the final release. Most additional patches at this time involve improvements in the user interface and only minor tweaks to the existing mechanisms.  Latitude® is scheduled for release early next spring complete with PISE™ and IN-Vest™ technologies!

The Do-Gooder

Mrs. Ashburogh seemed harmless enough.  Sure, she was the neighborhood busy body but she seemed to mean well. The gesture to facilitate this visit was a batch of cookies she had just made, but Sarah suspected that it was just as much of an excuse for her to come snooping around.

Her visits were innocent enough, but Grace Ashburogh was the type to wear her religion on her sleeve.  She was the sort that would often end her sentences with ‘in Jesus’s name’ or ‘praise the lord.’  Although she was not religious herself, Sarah considered herself tolerant of others and would just smile in response.

Today Mrs. Ashburogh had brought her daughter Elizabeth over to play with Sarah’s daughter Maggie.  Being a single mom was tough enough on Sarah Miller, so she wasn’t unappreciative of having concerned neighbors who were willing to help, even if that help came with the occasional preaching and snooping.

Her suspicions of the snooping part were quickly reassured too, as Grace quickly turned the conversation from common pleasantries to begin regaling her of the latest gossip from the neighborhood.  Sarah wasn’t interested in gossip either, but she was interested in keeping the peace so that too she tolerated with smiles and nods.

Somewhere amid the third entry to the ‘you should have heard what this person said‘ and an  upcoming ‘and you wouldn’t believe what so-and-so was doing‘, young Elizabeth came over to tug on her mother’s skirt.

“Mommy,” she said pointing back toward her playmate.  “Mags says there are monsters living under her bed!  I told her there was no such thing as monsters.  Tell her there’s no such thing!”

“No, Maggie dear.  There is not such thing as monsters,” said Mrs. Ashburogh more focused on the interruption of her story than what her daughter had actually been talking about. But before she could recall where she had left off so she could continue her scuttlebutt, Maggie had something to say about it.

“There are so monsters!  And they eat bad little girls!  Don’t they mommy?”  Maggie looked at her mother rather insistently.

“No Maggie, I told you there were no monsters.  Stop scaring poor Elizabeth,” said Sarah somewhat embarrassed by her daughter’s recitation.  Grace Ashburogh just stood quietly soaking it all in, glancing first at the young girl and then again at her mother.

After a short pause, she asked “Sarah, you didn’t actually tell  your daughter that there were monsters under her bed did you?”

“No no no!” said the young mother emphatically.  “She came to me one morning rather convinced that there was though.  I thought she had dropped the matter, but she kept bringing it up all day.”

“Well then where would such a young thing get such an idea?” the elder marm asked somewhat accusingly.

“Oh, she kept insisting that there were monsters and wouldn’t let it go.  I finally said to her in jest that ‘if there was a monster under her bed, it would probably eat little girls that asked too many questions and didn’t listen to their mothers!‘  She must have put more stock in it than I thought.”

“Oh MY!” said Grace Ashburogh in shock.  “You can’t say such things  to your child!  That is outright cruel!”  Her composure changed considerably and after a few more topical remarks on the subject, she seized the opportunity as cause to make her exit from the house, calling her daughter Elizabeth and to say it was time to go.

Despite some reassurances that she hadn’t said it to be cruel and that Grace nor Elizabeth had to leave, the neighbor woman seemed quite content at departing, even offering the excuse that she needed to go anyway. She somewhat disingenuously offered re-assurances that, although it had initially disturbed her, the ‘monster’ issue was not the cause of her desire to leave.

Sarah wasn’t reassured.  Nor was she disappointed in her assumptions on the matter.  No sooner did the elder woman arrive  at her own home and she was off to yet another neighbor’s home.  No doubt for more snooping and to spread the word of what a horrible mother Sarah was, scaring her own child with stories of monsters that ate bad little girls!

Still, Sarah made a point to sit her daughter down again to re-emphasize that her comments about the ‘monster’ were in jest and that there was no monster under her bed, no such thing as monsters and on how it was not nice to scare other children with stories of monsters.

–

It was the following morning when the knock came at the door.  Sarah answered it to find a woman in business clothes holding a clip board with a police officer standing behind her. Sarah also couldn’t help but notice that Grace and some of the other neighbor women were out in front of their homes talking just down the street.

“Ms. Miller?  My name is Mrs. Jones from Child Protective Services and this is Officer Jamison.  May we come in?”

Sarah didn’t know what to say, but was already getting suspicious as to the cause of their visit.  The subject of the ‘monster’ came up quickly and the manner in which it was told to her daughter.

“So you think this is funny to joke with your child about monsters that will eat her if she doesn’t obey you?” was an example of the types of questions she was receiving.  And despite her attempts to clarify the situation, it did not seem Sarah could make any headway with the woman.  “We take reports of abuse very seriously Ms. Miller.  Including psychological abuse,” was the typical comment she got in response to her attempts to diffuse the situation.

Grace Ashburogh was not surprised when the police officer could be seen helping the government woman escort the screaming young Maggie from the Miller home.

“I WANT MY MOMMY!  I WANT MY MOMMY!” could be heard all the way up and down the street — even if the women hadn’t gathered specifically to witness the events as they were unfolding.

“Poor child – it’s such a downright shame,” said Mrs. Rathberg from down on the corner.  “and you say she actually told her daughter that the monster would eat her if she didn’t behave?”

“Indeed, can you imagine that?” responded Grace.

“Downright barbaric,” added Mrs. Wilford from across the street.  “I hope God has a special place in Hell for people like ‘that’,” she added turning up her nose in disgust.

Young Elizabeth had been playing nearby and overheard this last remark.  “Is that true mommy?  Will God send Mrs. Miller to Hell for scaring Maggie?”

“Yes, Elizabeth,” said Mrs. Ashburogh.  “God sends bad people to Hell!”

After pondering the thought a moment, Elizabeth inquired further, “Will I go to Hell mommy?”

“Well of course not dear,” said her mother.  “Not if you’re good and do as the Bible says!”

HHS considers Breath-tax

Washington D.C. – We’ve been arguing for months against the idea of states instituting carbon credit taxes to replace health care revenues used for medicare, medicaid and other programs.

Well, now a spokesperson for the non-partisan department of Health and Human Services announced today of ongoing deliberations considering the implementation of a breath tax as a means to help raise revenue and fight man-made climate change.

“We should look at the respiratory emissions program where people are actually charged on the amount of carbon that they exhale,” a former Massachusetts lawmaker told the Breakline Sourcewire.  Tax revenues to fund public health services, typically raised from ‘sin taxes’, are falling because people are eating healthier and smoking less these days.

Commission chairman Bill Williamson told BS News that it would take about a decade to get everything into place – including portable respiration monitors on every citizen so breathing could be tracked.

He said privacy wouldn’t be an issue because the information gathered to compute the tax would remain in each taxpayer’s on-person data system and the only info downloaded to the government would be the amount of tax owed.

He also said that the devices could be programmed to collect fees based on person’s weight and dietary choices, so healthier individuals wouldn’t have to pay as much as larger individuals with a propensity for fast food and sweets.

Here’s hoping the commission also looks at a way to identify taxpayers by physical activity and adjust the breath tax by that criterion as well.

Bored to all Heaven

God is bored up in heaven after many many eternities passing. He’s bored because he knows everything, sees everything, can do everything, knows how everything even he does is going to turn out – major boring!

So one day he decides to makes another version of himself so he can have someone to talk with.  He even goes so far as convincing himself to pretend it’s not himself so he doesn’t think he’s gone completely nuts.

Eventually (after a few more eternities pass) God finds that even with another version of himself around to talk to, that they always seem to agree on everything, both always know what the other is going to say anyway, and generally don’t really have a lot to talk about that the other hasn’t heard already.

Noticing the ‘other God’ is upset, the second God asks what’s wrong.

God1: “I’m just bored again!”
God2: “Oh!”

After playing over 368,494,372,289,597 games of chess his other-self gets an idea and creates a universe and puts these little man things in it and starts to fuck with them just for something to do.

God2: “hey, look at this. I put them in this garden and I put this tree in there and told them it was ‘very bad’ to eat from it. But I didn’t give them the knowledge of good and bad. I put that into the fruit! And now I’m gonna go down there and pretend to be a snake to get them to eat the fruit so I can boot them out!”
God1: “Why in the hell did you do that? That’s just twisted! And what in the fuck is a snake?”
God2: “Why? Because it’s boring as shit up here and it was something to do! And what the hell do you mean by ‘what is a snake?’ You made it remember? I’m you! And you know everything!”
God1: “Oh crap, you’re right – er, I’m right. This is so confusing! Why do I ask such stupid questions sometimes? So why a snake?”
God2: “Well nobody likes snakes, and I’m going to need something to demonize later anyway.”
God1: “OK, this is going to sound like another stupid question, but how do you know nobody likes snakes if you – er – I just made it?”
God2: “I’m God! If I say nobody likes snakes, then nobody likes snakes!”

The next thing you know, the poor little human creatures are out on their own to fend for themselves.  After eating the fruit they get all the knowledge that before eluded them including shame and lust, jealousy and vengeance.  But God(s) is still bored.

God1: “Now what the hell are you up to?”
God2: “Hell?  You keep saying that – I like it.  I might have to do something with that soon.  As far as what I’m up to, these little human things are starting to breed like rabbits.  So now I am going to play some tricks with their offspring.”
God1: “How’s that?”
God2: “Well you see, this one son here has brought me some of the plants from his crops.  The other brought me one of his livestock.  I’m going to really rant and rave over how much I like the one gift and tell the other one to piss off.”
God1: “Won’t that make the other one kinda mad?  Ya know, now that you got their mom to eat the magic fruit and all?”

A few moments pass.

God2: “HOLY CRAP!  The one kid just killed the other kid!  Wow!  I never saw that one coming.  Oh wait, I’m God, I know everything.  I guess I did kinda see that one coming.  Oh well, I guess I better get to work on that Hell thing.  I’m gonna need something to do with this other kid now.”
God1: *just shakes head*  — “Hey, where did all these other humans come from by the way?  I thought you just had the two there in the garden and now suddenly they’re hanging out with lots of other humans and where did the kids find their wives anyway?”
God2: “Shhhhhhh!  I’m requiring them to pass all these stories down, and that one is gonna really fuck with some of their better scholars way down the road!”

Many years pass and the humans continued to breed like rabbits, and began to spread across the surface of the little meteor known now as earth.

God2: “Hey watch this one.  You think the whole fruit and all that other stuff was twisted?  I’m gonna go to this guy down here and tell him that if he loves me he has to kill his own kid.”
God1: “That’s just wrong!”
God2: “Hey, we’re God!  We decide what’s wrong and what isn’t.  Besides, I’m just doing it to see if he’s stupid enough to actually follow through and at the very last second I’m going to go ‘PSYCH!!!’”

Many more years pass and God continues to screw around at the poor human’s expense for his own amusement.  But eventually the humans are starting to get out of hand.  He even tries wiping out large portions of them in almighty fits of fire and brimstone, leveling entire towns and populations, flooding the entire place, getting some of them swallowed by fish, but the humans continue to act out in all sorts of strange ways.

God1: “What’s with this guy down here?”
God2: “He calls himself Moses.  I made sure he got kicked out of respectable society after his mom basically abandoned him.  Get this, she just stuffs the poor schmuck in this basket and sets him adrift down the river.  Well, I saw to it that some of the aristocracy picked him up but then made sure he gets all these principles and shit and the next thing you know, he gets himself booted out.  I told him he has to wander around through the desert now until I decide he’s had enough.”
God1: “Oh for our sake.  Give the poor guy a break!”
God2: “Oh I will I will.  I’m gonna make some really weird crap happen to those pharoah guys and tell Moses about it before it happens.  Everyone will think he has a direct line to us.”
God1: “If you’re telling him all this stuff in advance, doesn’t he kinda have a direct line to us?”
God2: “Now you’re getting it!!!”
God1: “But … uh, why do all this then?”
God2:” Oh, he was bound to become yet another one of those crazy old hermits that hangs out on street corners yelling that the sky is falling and the end is near.  I was just curious to see what would happen if one of them actually was right for a change.”

So God(s) set down all sorts of plagues on Egypt and gives Moses a heads up so he can act all godly and shit in front of the pharoahs.

God1: “Ok ok, I’ve seen enough of this.  All those people down there are treated like crap and you’re getting far too much twisted amusement out of messing with the guys doing it.  I’m going step in here and make sure that this pharoah guy sets them all free and I’m going to let this Moses guy you you’ve been screwing with get all the credit.”
God2: “Party pooper.  OK, tell you what.  You can do that, but if you do, they have to go wander around the desert for years too.”
God1:  “Huh??  Why????”
God2: “It’s what we do!”

So God(s) finish the plagues and part the seas and the people are freed by Moses and follow him off into the wilderness to wander the desert for years.

God1: “Hey, check this out.  That moses guy you were messing with?  He got his people to settle down here in this valley, so I set up an intercom up on the mountain in a burning bush where I’ve been giving him words of encouragement to guide his people.”
God2: “What kinds of things have you been telling him?”
God1: “Oh just basic stuff on how to run his society.  Do you want to help?”
God2: “Oh do I!  I have some great ideas for rules that will completely screw with their head.  How’s about this one – if you bring me meat for sacrifice, throw a little salt on it.  And no more raw grains, I want it ground to flour first.  And oh oh oh oh!  I got a doozey!  Don’t let your cows hang out with other types of cows and don’t plant different crops in the same field!”  *starts to laugh at himself*
God1: “OK, fine but I’m going to do the top-10 ok?”
God2: “OH alright you lame-o.  Er, me lame-o, I keep forgetting we are the same guy.  But just confuse the crap out of them by using lots of ‘Thou shall nots’ and doinked up words like ‘covet’ and stuff like that.  Hey, what you going to use for the first one?”
God1: “Well they seem to keep erecting these statues of cows and other stuff instead of paying attention to what I’m telling Moses.  So I think I’m going to tell them to only obey what I say.”
God2:  “Oh you’re talking to all of them now?”
God1: “No, I told you, I’m talking to Moses.”
God2:  “Well how do you know Moses isn’t going to fuck it all up while he’s walking down from the mountain.  When I found him he was wandering the desert bound to be one of those crazy street corner guys remember?  And we had the whole lot of them wandering the desert for years.  He’s getting a tad senile now.”
God1: “OK, fine, I’ll cut the words into a rock so Moses can’t possibly screw them up.”
God2: “And what if the people don’t believe Moses and would rather keep throwing things at these cow statues?”
God1: “Did you ever finish that Hell thing you were working on?”
God2: “Ooooo, I like how you – er I – think.”

So many more years pass and the people continue to breed like rabbits and act up and worship cows and follow the rules given to moses and tell stories.

God2:  “What are you doing now?”
God1: “Well for some time I’ve been whispering in the ears of folks to create a buzz to let them know that if they continue to screw up all the rules I gave them that I was gonna come back down there.”
God2: “Yeah and?”
God1: “Well I’m gonna go back down there.”
God2: “But we’re ‘God’, we can’t just ‘go down there’ – we wouldn’t fit!”
God1: “I’m gonna create another version of me.”
God2:  “Another one?????”
God1: “Just a human one, but he’s gonna be able to do God-like shit, ya know?  To get their attention so they will listen to him – er me – er us.”
God2: “Listen to him about what?”
God1: “Well we gave them all these strict rules and as usual, your little guys screwed it all up.  They’ve been killing each other left and right over various interpretations of the rules or because they are worshiping cows or not worshiping cows, worshiping us or not worshiping us.  It’s all got out of hand.  I’m gonna go down there as one of them and tell them it’s all cool as long as they love one another.”
God2: “OH I gotta see this!”

So God went down there as one of them to spread a message of peace, love and unity.

God2: “How’s that whole peace, love and unity thing working out for you?”
God1: “They nailed me to a stick.”
God2: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”
God1: “Oh shut up!”
God2: “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH”
God1: “I said shut up!”
God2: *rolling around on the floor* “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HA HA   …. Ha” – *catching his breath*  “Oh, that is too good.   –   hey, by the way, I meant to ask you… how’d you get down there anyway?”
God1: “I had a woman give birth to me.”
God2:  “What?!??”
God1: “I found a really sweet virgin from a good family and I impregnated her.”
God2: “A virgin?!?!  And you knocked her up????  Oh the Catholics are gonna have a field day with that!!!  You think that cow worship was a problem??  You just wait till you see what they do with her!”
God1: “What’s a catholic?”
God2: “Just an idea I have, you’ll see!  And just how did that whole ‘peace, love’ message thing work out for you by the way?  Have they stopped killing each other yet?”
God1: “Don’t ask!”

(to be continued ???)